I am learning something lately. I learn really something that I’ve found incredibly difficult. I am learning that receiving and relaxation is one. This lesson is not new but the level goes deeper now. I learn to be on time to say: “listen this is not going to be solved. Here we are really quite different. We will not meet each other, I accept that”. And to my great enjoyment that nagging, sometimes sickening or even ripping feeling inside, what can stick around for hours, lets go of me and I can continue what I was doing before the argument started. Trying to solve everything, explain yourself, repeating the same arguments because you can not believe someone does not get it, has been many times exhausting and sometimes like hell in my life. Honestly receiving what is truly happening creates relaxation and makes me free.
I learned receiving more how things are thanks to Tanzania. I experience how people leave each other alone in that country in a psychological way. And I experience that if I attempt to do some digging into somebody elses mind, soon I feel uncomfortable by their reactions, especially about myself and what I’m doing. In the beginning I missed it. I felt myself thrown back, even ignored sometimes. I felt alone as if something was missing in depth and connection with the people because I could not communicate my psychological insights with them. It felt like I could not be me at all. But after weeks in Tanzania, I feel a relaxation that results from leaving each other alone. And if there is a problem, then it is discussed. Arguments are not repeated in that conversation and if it is completed, it is finished. Attempts by me to reopen the discussion fail many times. “It was finished yesterday Alina”: they claim.
My most pervasive experience with learning to let it be, happened in fact years ago between me and my mother. In 2011 I suddenly realized my mother had come to the end of her live. That touched me deeply. It hit me especially since the relationship with my mother had not been successful from the beginning. As long as I could remember we found ourselves at a great distance from each other. I realized how painful this was, much more painful than the death of someone whom you loved much. My mother was going to leave and I would have to live on with the realization that the relationship between us never worked out. I have cried terribly.
The next day I went to see her. I found her sitting at her table in front of the window in the nursing house, a lonely woman. After some chitchat we fell silent. And in that silence I hear myself say: “mom, you and me it just didn’t work out right? We have not been able to truly meet each other all these years. I feel the need to accept that together with you “. She began to cry. “This is awful”: she said. “I do not think so”: I said gently. “it is what it is”. She paused long. When I left half an hour later and was standing at the door, she looked straight in my eyes and said, “I’m going to try it Alne”.
From that moment on, something changed between us, something relaxed. I went every week to see her. The moments she was victimizing herself, I allowed her, If she was moaning dramatically, I held her hand (this gave me much resistance in the past), I drove her around in her wheelchair and it was no problem to me. Sometimes she could no longer hold her own head up. That struck me in my heart and I carried her head for her, one of my most intimate moments with her. Also my mother had changed to me. The caustic remarks began to stay away. The wary comments, distant looks, the puffings and continuous tension between us disappeared; the hatchet was buried. We were receiving each other finally in how it was and we relaxed.
Nine months later she died and I had found peace inside.
The moment we both accepted the truth of our relationship, we came to peace with it. Something relaxed. And out of that relaxation we were able to leave each other alone psychologically. Then things became possible for me that I had never been able to give her before; the right to feel a victim, complaining, puffing about me whenever she needed and hold her hand. I am very grateful for these moments.